Making Adult Friends: Tips that Worked for Me Moving to Florida

I was scared out of my mind when we moved across the country and left all our friends and family for the first time as an adult. How would I find friends as a stay-at-home mom without coworkers or an active community to plug into? The more I have become immersed in different communities of adults, but especially moms, the more I realized that this is a HUGE problem for almost everyone, and no one really feels like they are good at it. Even US presidents feel the awkwardness of meeting new people and hoping they make a good impression. I have struggled just as everyone has, but a year and a half later after moving I realized that I tried really hard and I have friends! 

I have seen SO MANY posts recently from women feeling like they don't even know where to start- and I remember that feeling! So here’s some tips that helped me:

To find people: 

• Check Facebook and Meetup.com for local moms groups, parents groups, playdate groups, etc. You’d be surprised how many people organize online and will invite anyone.
• Go to public places where others that have something in common with you might hang out- public playgrounds, children’s storytime, churches, the gym, school districts, Fit4Moms, scout troops, or exercise classes. When I was there, I would look for other parents/kids that seemed a similar age to my kids, coach my kids into introducing themselves, then I would turn to the parent and ask how old their kid is, what their name is, and then start making small talk about the event or our kids and their personalities. If after a minute or two I felt like we could possibly be friends, I would ask for their phone number and say, “Hey! We come here a lot/we go to the park a lot (something like that) and you’re always welcome to join us. Can I get your number and text you next time we go to invite you?” I’ve never been turned down.
• I always do the first couple meet-ups in free public places for low-stakes reasons and safety reasons- like walking to look at Christmas lights, parks, pumpkin patches, etc. After that if I felt solid I would progress to inviting them to other venues, including our home. Look around at your work, or ask your significant other if there’s anyone they’ve been wanting to invite from their work. 

Other General Tips:

• Don’t rule anyone out because they don’t seem “your type”. My current best friends would have been weeded out early if I had been picky because they initially seemed unlike me- one is 40 years my senior, one is the local pastor’s wife, another is a full time working mom, another dyed her hair pink and swore all the time. I love them all.
• Invite people to things you would be doing anyway. Do you go swimming on Fridays? Were you wanting to try that new restaurant across town? Do you go on a walk around your neighborhood most evenings? I bet there is a mom who would LOVE to join you walking with her stroller and baby in tow. You don’t have to overthink it.
• Hack I figured out: If I invite them to something NOT at our house- like a hike, library event, park play date, McDonalds play place or community festival, then I don’t have to clean my house (GASP) which is 90% of the stress for me surrounding inviting friends over.
• I always try to plan something to do and/or something to eat- even if those are SUPER simple. For example, go to the park and watch our kids play and give the kids fruit snacks at the end. Or come over to our house and eat quesadillas while the kids play with puzzles.
• Be generous! Nothing will attract others more than feeling like you value them as a guest. I remember meeting another mom at the park once and she had brought my son and I smoothies that she picked up on the way. I was like oooo can I keep you forever? I always tried to use that as a model for the kind of friend I wanted to be.
• Storytime on generosity: My senior year of college when we were deciding between inviting our sisters over for dinner every week (expensive) or just doing it every other week and hoping that they invited us over the other weeks it occurred to me that I'm not really paying for their food, I'm paying for the privilege of spending time with them. I am absolutely willing to pay $40/week for a friend that comes and hangs out on my couch every week and isn't in a hurry to leave because they're not hungry. Once I made that realization, my hosting habits totally changed. Suddenly I wasn't saving the yummy pork roast for days we ate alone as a family- I was saving them for the company! I believe life is meant to be shared and enjoyed with other people. And as my husband says, money is just numbers you push around for happiness. One of the biggest factors in human happiness is your social network. 
• I had to get over the hope that someone else would invite me first. Harsh truth is, they usually won’t. They are usually sitting alone, lonely in their homes too, hoping someone will invite THEM. I just think to myself, “I am going to invite them first, and second, and third, and AFTER that we can gauge if there is good give and take in the relationship.” Usually after the 2nd or 3rd invite they were inviting us back to things in return. Sometimes they need a jump start just as much as you.
• If someone ever DOES give you an invite, strongly consider changing your other plans so that you can make it! Once you attend an event/invite once, it’s much easier to attend again or get another invitation.
• Stop thinking so much about yourself and try to become immersed in being interested in other people. As Dale Carnegie says, “You can make more friends in 2 months by being interested in other people than you can in 2 years trying to make other people interested in you.”
• Easy ways to be interested in other people are- 
• 1. Memorizing their name, and calling them by name. Say "Hey Lynn!" instead of "Hey!" when you pass them in the library, or "Bye Hannah!" instead of "Bye!" It's magic.
• 2. Complimenting them. It doesn't have to be rocket science. Yes, you can just say, "I like your shirt." People are not hard to rewire into feeling good about you because you complimented them. If you think of something more genuine, all the power to you!
• 3- Smiling. I forget this one a lot, especially as motherhood has made me feel constantly tired rather than bubbly all the time, but it takes down a lot of people's guards.
• Get rid of the thought, “Do they like me?” As Noah Rasheta in Secular Buddhism teaches, that question isn’t helpful at all, and truthfully you’ll never really know the answer anyway. (See his episode 145).

To all my current and past mom friends who taught me how to do this by example, you know who you are and I love and am grateful for you!

I would love to know what helps you! Please comment and let me know below!!!