Ten Books that Changed My Life

Many people have “favorite books”, such as Harry Potter or the Twilight series, which they may have read several times (Yes, I have read Harry Potter 7 three times as well. LOVE IT.)

However I find myself different from most people in that when I read a book, I become obsessed by looking for the theme or the lesson. What I am really looking for is not something that entertains or is fun so much as something that really teaches me something novel, and ends up changing me. Even with children’s picture books, this is the standard I hold many books up to- does it change or teach something the child does not already know? I 100% don't think this is necessarily best, healthy, or a good standard to hold everything up to the light like this- I have seen lots of research about the power of fictional stories for children and adults, but it's just how I am.

So my top ten favorite books list is instead “Ten Books that Changed My Life”, because indeed- that is why they are my favorites! And at the bottom, I have a list almost as long of honorable mentions because- you know- I had a hard time picking just ten. :D 

Ten Books that Changed My Life

• The Book of Mormon

• Read 8 times cover to cover, and more than that in between. Memorized many verses. Studied for a year long class in 6 classes. Basis for the religion I was raised in. The first and only book I ever thought was 100% "true". Many sections echo the sermon on the mount, which in my opinion is the most influential part of the Bible. 

• Guided and directed my behavior for many many years. Was used almost as a personal therapist or counselor for many years. Brought so much peace and happiness.

• This was the one book we took on our honeymoon and read every day together- as I had for 7 years previously by myself, and as we continued to do together every day for the next few years.

• Before this book I was just Mormon because my family was. After this book I was Mormon because I was fully converted myself, and I was willing to worship in a way that in some ways was more orthodox than my family.

• Educated by Tara Westover

• Gave me permission to think that aspects of my own family's culture were weird, and that through education and intentional, healthy decision making, I could have the permission to discontinue family traditions that no longer serve me or my communities. This more than anything truly awakened me, and is at the top of my list. If my list were ranked this would be #1. Education is everything. Before this book I was more blind as to to why things in my own family culture seemed “off”. After this book I felt confident labeling them as dysfunctional and unhealthy, and I felt I had the permission to make a different choice.

• How to Make Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie

• Practical tips that I 100% attribute to why, in my obviously-not-so-humble opinion 🤣, I was "popular" and had many friends in elementary and high school. Before this book I had a hard time making friends. After this book I got much better.

• Odyssey of a Romanian Street Child by Catalîn Dobrișan

• Intensely cultivated empathy in me for destitute children and the homeless. Being homeless and surviving off drugs is not someone's fault, and it changed my mind that giving a homeless person money that they immediately use on drugs is a bad or unchristian act. This deepend a desire in me to keep looking for meaningful ways to serve these populations in the future. Before this book I often would look away from the homeless or not donate money “because they’ll just use it on drugs”. After this book I felt challenged to look towards them more, and when I do ignore, I feel massive guilt, because I know it is not their fault.

• The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman

• The principles in this book, along with professional therapy, kept our marriage together in a tough spot. It helped re-train many automatic patterns into more skillful, stable, and healthy relationship building. We have always had love for each other, but many of our day-to-day practices were just imitating what we had seen or had assumed would work. This book gave us the science-based practices to intentionally make our day to day habits effectively match our love and be better received. I am still practicing for sure.

• Four Lenses Unfolded by Nathan K. Bryce

• This helped me embrace and lean in to the fact that all people, but especially me and my husband and my parents, just have different personalities when it comes down to it, and many strengths/weaknesses in a person's character are just arbitrary labels based on the perspective of a certain personality type. This also helped me choose and lean into a career path that suits my strengths, and also taught me why the public school system doesn't work for everyone, and homeschooling has its place.

• Fanny's Dream by Caralyn Buehner

• I have read this book to myself as a grown adult woman probably 200 times. Many children's literature experts actually do not consider this children's literature, despite being a picture book. This reminds me that in life, and especially in marriage, the real magic and the real dream comes from living a life with two very imperfect, quirky, ordinary people. I am living the dream!

• The Lesson by Carol Lynn Pearson

• I do not think there is a lesson to be learned from life, but if I had to choose one that I think everyone should just "get"- it is the lesson described in this book, by my favorite author. The lesson that what it's all about is loving others. I read this book to almost every class I teach on the last day of class, and I hope this book is read at my funeral.

• Codependent No More by Melody Beattie

• Reading this book saved our marriage, and honestly saved myself, even IF the marriage had failed. It began a process of educating me on my biggest weakness, and has empowered me in healthy boundry-ing in so many relationships in life. Repeat after me: I am responsible for my own health and happiness.

• No Man Knows My History by Fawn Brodie

• Gave a historical view of my own religion from a perspective that didn't assume faith or infallibility. It's still very biased, which is why I don't think it is a good history book either, but it reminded me what bias is and that I should be aware of it. Before the book I saw Joseph Smith as a perfected man. After the book I saw him as just a man.

Honorable Mentions:

Books that didn’t make the top ten, but are still a huge part of me and still definitely changed me.

• Becoming by Michelle Obama

• This gave me, as a woman, the inspiration and courage to be a passionate, educated, and impactful woman to my community. And to be accepting of the fact that I am never truly done "becoming" who I am going to keep growing to be.

• The Omnivore’s Dilemma by Michael Pollan

• Initiated a feeling of connection with the earth through my food choices, and increased my desire to make food choices that help my own species and the Earth, rather than trashing both at the same time. I ate differently after this book, and I hope to keep making changes. I am not vegetarian or vegan but this book convinced me that they are probably the morally superior way to eat, without shaming me for eating meat.

• Zealot by Reza Aslan

• This gave me a completely different perspective on my biggest hero, Jesus Christ, from a historian who also reveres Jesus, but in a strictly historical, rather than faithful, way. It reminds me how important history is.

• Man’s Search for Meaning by Victor Frankyl

• Meaning comes from making a difference to someone or something you care about. You can cultivate meaning in destitute situations and this meaning can lead to a desire to survive and/or thrive. This influenced how I feel I can help those around me struggling with mental illness.

• The Sign of the Beaver by Elizabeth George Speare

• Besides the Book of Mormon, this is the only book I reread the whole thing, and I reread it twice. This is the foundation for my optimism, sometimes unfounded, that opposite cultures can work together and be friends. I also just loved it because I had a thing for a really really long time for pioneers and Indians.

I am only 25 years old and so hopefully I have 3x what I have already lived to keep living and keep reading! I am sure some of what will be my new favorite and life changing books I just haven't read yet. I can't wait to see what they will be. Will you share some of your favorite life changing books with me by commenting below?

(And I can’t finish this post without thanking my dad for recommending a decent chunk of these, along with just modeling to me what a thirst for knowledge and a love of reading looks like. I love you Daddy-O!)

Things I Miss Most About Provo

It has been a long time since I left Provo, but this post has been on my heart for a while because it was my home for a good 7 years after high school graduation. Here's everything I miss about Provo the town (not the people- that's a different post).

The Unique Food:

• Hruska's Kolaches. You HAVE to try raspberry creme, and their savory rolls too. It makes me feel so grown up to be buying an international breakfast, and at $2/roll, I can absolutely afford to splurge every once in a while. 

• BYU Creamery- Peanut Butter Trails, German Chocolate Crunch, Graham Canyon. Flavors I haven't been able to find since. 😭 Also- their mint chocolate brownie chocolate milk!!!

• Sushi Ya. Higher end on the price range, but worth every. single. penny. Possibly the most delicious food ever. You have to try the spicy mountain crunch roll.

Close and Awesome Nature:

• Rock Canyon- for walks, rock climbing! And a 3 hour squaw peak hike. I can't believe we used to be within walking distance and didn't go more often.

• Mount Timp. You gotta do the classic overnight hike to see the sunrise on the mountain.

• Provo River next to the Riverwoods. If you approach it from the Riverwoods parking lot, it is one of the most peaceful places in town.

BYU Stuff:

• All the free and high quality museums, specifically- Bean Museum and the MOA. Did I say FREE?!?!

• Clean, beautiful places to be in quiet by yourself and study. You have to try the ground level of the JFSB right underneath the museum. Just thinking about those chairs and view makes me calm down.
• BYU Library. Books galore! Places to eat food! Countless desks.

• Dance Performances- especially World of Dance, Christmas Around the World, and Rec Nights for folk dance in the RB. Wish I could attend just one more.

Provo Library

One of the most beautiful and historical buildings in town. So many resources. So many free programs. I just like looking at their big beautiful staircases.

I would love to hear what you love about Provo!

Making Adult Friends: Tips that Worked for Me Moving to Florida

I was scared out of my mind when we moved across the country and left all our friends and family for the first time as an adult. How would I find friends as a stay-at-home mom without coworkers or an active community to plug into? The more I have become immersed in different communities of adults, but especially moms, the more I realized that this is a HUGE problem for almost everyone, and no one really feels like they are good at it. Even US presidents feel the awkwardness of meeting new people and hoping they make a good impression. I have struggled just as everyone has, but a year and a half later after moving I realized that I tried really hard and I have friends! 

I have seen SO MANY posts recently from women feeling like they don't even know where to start- and I remember that feeling! So here’s some tips that helped me:

To find people: 

• Check Facebook and Meetup.com for local moms groups, parents groups, playdate groups, etc. You’d be surprised how many people organize online and will invite anyone.
• Go to public places where others that have something in common with you might hang out- public playgrounds, children’s storytime, churches, the gym, school districts, Fit4Moms, scout troops, or exercise classes. When I was there, I would look for other parents/kids that seemed a similar age to my kids, coach my kids into introducing themselves, then I would turn to the parent and ask how old their kid is, what their name is, and then start making small talk about the event or our kids and their personalities. If after a minute or two I felt like we could possibly be friends, I would ask for their phone number and say, “Hey! We come here a lot/we go to the park a lot (something like that) and you’re always welcome to join us. Can I get your number and text you next time we go to invite you?” I’ve never been turned down.
• I always do the first couple meet-ups in free public places for low-stakes reasons and safety reasons- like walking to look at Christmas lights, parks, pumpkin patches, etc. After that if I felt solid I would progress to inviting them to other venues, including our home. Look around at your work, or ask your significant other if there’s anyone they’ve been wanting to invite from their work. 

Other General Tips:

• Don’t rule anyone out because they don’t seem “your type”. My current best friends would have been weeded out early if I had been picky because they initially seemed unlike me- one is 40 years my senior, one is the local pastor’s wife, another is a full time working mom, another dyed her hair pink and swore all the time. I love them all.
• Invite people to things you would be doing anyway. Do you go swimming on Fridays? Were you wanting to try that new restaurant across town? Do you go on a walk around your neighborhood most evenings? I bet there is a mom who would LOVE to join you walking with her stroller and baby in tow. You don’t have to overthink it.
• Hack I figured out: If I invite them to something NOT at our house- like a hike, library event, park play date, McDonalds play place or community festival, then I don’t have to clean my house (GASP) which is 90% of the stress for me surrounding inviting friends over.
• I always try to plan something to do and/or something to eat- even if those are SUPER simple. For example, go to the park and watch our kids play and give the kids fruit snacks at the end. Or come over to our house and eat quesadillas while the kids play with puzzles.
• Be generous! Nothing will attract others more than feeling like you value them as a guest. I remember meeting another mom at the park once and she had brought my son and I smoothies that she picked up on the way. I was like oooo can I keep you forever? I always tried to use that as a model for the kind of friend I wanted to be.
• Storytime on generosity: My senior year of college when we were deciding between inviting our sisters over for dinner every week (expensive) or just doing it every other week and hoping that they invited us over the other weeks it occurred to me that I'm not really paying for their food, I'm paying for the privilege of spending time with them. I am absolutely willing to pay $40/week for a friend that comes and hangs out on my couch every week and isn't in a hurry to leave because they're not hungry. Once I made that realization, my hosting habits totally changed. Suddenly I wasn't saving the yummy pork roast for days we ate alone as a family- I was saving them for the company! I believe life is meant to be shared and enjoyed with other people. And as my husband says, money is just numbers you push around for happiness. One of the biggest factors in human happiness is your social network. 
• I had to get over the hope that someone else would invite me first. Harsh truth is, they usually won’t. They are usually sitting alone, lonely in their homes too, hoping someone will invite THEM. I just think to myself, “I am going to invite them first, and second, and third, and AFTER that we can gauge if there is good give and take in the relationship.” Usually after the 2nd or 3rd invite they were inviting us back to things in return. Sometimes they need a jump start just as much as you.
• If someone ever DOES give you an invite, strongly consider changing your other plans so that you can make it! Once you attend an event/invite once, it’s much easier to attend again or get another invitation.
• Stop thinking so much about yourself and try to become immersed in being interested in other people. As Dale Carnegie says, “You can make more friends in 2 months by being interested in other people than you can in 2 years trying to make other people interested in you.”
• Easy ways to be interested in other people are- 
• 1. Memorizing their name, and calling them by name. Say "Hey Lynn!" instead of "Hey!" when you pass them in the library, or "Bye Hannah!" instead of "Bye!" It's magic.
• 2. Complimenting them. It doesn't have to be rocket science. Yes, you can just say, "I like your shirt." People are not hard to rewire into feeling good about you because you complimented them. If you think of something more genuine, all the power to you!
• 3- Smiling. I forget this one a lot, especially as motherhood has made me feel constantly tired rather than bubbly all the time, but it takes down a lot of people's guards.
• Get rid of the thought, “Do they like me?” As Noah Rasheta in Secular Buddhism teaches, that question isn’t helpful at all, and truthfully you’ll never really know the answer anyway. (See his episode 145).

To all my current and past mom friends who taught me how to do this by example, you know who you are and I love and am grateful for you!

I would love to know what helps you! Please comment and let me know below!!!

Abortion?

There is one story I always remember when I think about abortion.

This is a true story about a little boy named Frederico, whom I knew and worked with. Frederico lived in the orphanage from the time he was an infant. His mother had wished to abort him, but was unable to do so, so he was delivered to the orphanage as soon as possible. I thought Frederico was very naturally cute, but for some reason none of the other orphanage workers seemed to agree- and I know it’s normal for everyone to have different tastes in “cute babies”.

So, from the time Frederico was very very young, he never got held like the others. Didn’t get smiled and cooed at like the others. By the time he was 1 and 2, he started taking notice, and he was desperate for attention, so he started trying to be more loved by demanding more attention. He would scream at the top of his lungs, but it wouldn’t work because the workers would pick him up and put him in a room all by himself. When he was playing with the other children, the other children would be handed toys and books, but he never was, so he would take them from the other children and bite the other children. This didn’t work either- he was back to a room all by himself, screaming for hours and hours on end. The problem seemed pretty clear to me- just give Frederico some nice attention by himself like the other kids seem to share. But no- by the time he had started acting out, he was labeled as the “naughty child”- a term all the workers shared, confirmed as the “ugly child”, a term they had used before, and sentenced to a life screaming alone in his room. “Don’t go get him”, they’d tell me. “He’ll bite you. He needs to learn his lesson.” He was 2. 

Frederico also suffered from physical ailments. One was fetal alcohol syndrome, because his biological mother couldn’t control her impulses while he was in utero. This impairs judgement, reasoning, and overall intelligence. Another was kidney problems and heart defects- problems many orphans for some reason share. The last was failure to thrive- a term used in the medical profession to describe children who lose their interest in staying alive and don’t want to eat, sleep, aren’t interested in exploring normal developmental milestones, etc. 

Throughout his time in the orphanage, he, like every other orphan, also developed attachment disorders. This means that because they do not have an adult who consistently loves and cares for them during their formative years (birth to two months is HUGE), they themselves never learn to normally love, trust, or care for others. Even for orphans who are adopted, the time they spent crying without someone to pick them up follows them the rest of their lives. They either do not have a healthy sense of safety and security and will often trust anyone who jumps in their path (often leading to involvement with gangs, early pregnancies, etc) or they find it extremely difficult to deeply connect with anyone. Therapy, good resources, and parental figures help, but don't completely erase this. So, whenever Frederico was to pass away- whether it was in two months or 90 years, he would be going to rest in heaven- the place of perfect love- with a damaged capacity for love. This struck me as devastatingly unfair in the long run.

Two months after I returned to America I heard news that Frederico had passed away. Heart failure, and failure to thrive. I knew I would need some time. In Romania when someone passes the Romanian Orthodox church will light candles for them. So, I grabbed a candle after church and walked up to the Latter Day Saint temple up the road and in a place all by myself under a tree, I put the candle in the ground, and lit it. 

This death was very hard for me to process. I wasn’t really sure what to think. I definitely felt sad, of course, but- honestly… his death was some of the best news I had heard in a while. I just didn’t think any two year old should have had to deal with ANY of the cards he was dealt, much less all of them simultaneously. I also felt anger that he had to return to heaven with far more spiritual wounds than he arrived at Earth with (attachment disorders). I think I felt more grief as I looked back on his short two year life than I did thinking of his current state of death. The life was the painful part. 

I think every child deserves a life. 

But if they are going to be abandoned as soon as they come out of the womb, never held, never cooed at, suffer from physical, emotional, social, and intellectual wounds their ENTIRE LIFE- who am I to make the call that a 3 second abortion in his mother’s womb would have been more painful and more unfair than an almost 3 YEAR life of abandonment, physical pain, shunning, loneliness. I just don’t feel in a position to make that call. 

Someone made the call, though. Someone told the mother she couldn’t abort. Were they qualified to make that call? How? Why? What authority did they have? Were they right?

Not every orphan is quite as shunned as Frederico. BUT- many many orphans are never adopted because there are simply too many and not enough willing and able parents. There are just more babies being born than there are parents who want children. A decent chunk live in the orphanage until they are 18.

I used to think this was just an international issue, but after having returned to the states I realized what orphans are called in America- foster kids. And we know how often they are adopted- just about never. For some reason Americans take pity on “orphans” from other countries, and have a bad taste in their mouth for foster kids. (foster kid statistics) There’s just a huge need for willing and able parents, and there are never quite enough. There are currently 118,000 American born children waiting to be adopted. The longer they stay in foster care, the higher their chances go up for substance abuse, convicting crimes, being uneducated, abusing others, homelessness, early pregnancy, incarceration, etc. Two of the demographics that have the hardest times getting adopted are teens and multiple children families. If you are a teen with two or more siblings, your chances are almost gone. Every year 20,000 youth age out of foster care without a forever family.

I believe in the right of innocent children to have the best life possible. From the time they are conceived, they should be able to stay alive. They should be able to be healthy in the utero and not be fed alcohol or other substances. They should be born to open and loving arms that call them cute and hold them close. They should have parents who love them and stick by them, even when they are naughty, even when they struggle. They should have enough food. They should WANT to eat their food. They should WANT to learn to walk, to learn to talk. Whether they die at 3 weeks in utero, at 3 years of life, or at 100 years, it should not be alone, and someone should want them.

This is why I really feel confused about voting on abortion. The only thing I am confident about is my uncertainty. I just really can’t vote either way without feeling guilty- like I have harmed children. So I remain confused.

My official, well thought out stance is that I do not vote on this issue. That is the only decision that does not make me feel like I may have ruined a life.

But I do feel 100% confident in saying this: For an unwanted child, I do not know whether an aborted life, or an entire life lived as an unwanted warrants more pain. 

My Mid-Life Crisis Being a Stay-At-Home Mom: My Biggest Struggles and How I Try to Conquer Them

Mommy friends! Being a mom has been the best, but also unexpectedly super hard for me so I just wanted to share a few of my struggles as well as some things that have helped for any new or struggling mommy friends. :)

Being a mom is really, really, really, really hard.

I had no idea it would be this hard.

If there's anything I have always connected with and thought I was made to do, it was mother. I've always thought I would have been a happy pioneer woman in the 1850s with ten kids milking the cows. I've dreamed about it my whole life. I received a special church blessing once and was told that in motherhood I would use my best talents, and I believe that. I knew I wasn't going to be perfect, but I knew it was within my power to be as close to perfect as possible, and that by hard effort, I could constantly be better. All my life, I have practiced cooking, practiced with kids, and have been counting down the days until all my fairytale motherhood dreams would come true.

And then they did.

Kind of.

Here's a list of all the things that haven't really worked like I thought they would, and what I've discovered that's helped. Being honest about how hard it is and taking responsibility for those problems has been life changing in my life satisfaction.

Problem #1: I had a surprisingly lacking connection to my baby at first.

I was always told that the minute your baby comes out you feel this overwhelming momma bear feeling that consumes you and sweeps over you like a magic curtain or something. Well... labor was way more painful and exhausting than I expected, and by the time my baby was officially out- I was NOT ready to hold him. Unbeknownst to me, he wasn't breathing at the time and was whisked away by the doctors to get him breathing. But I didn't know that- I was just totally exhausted and closed my eyes and wanted to be left alone. A nurse told me that sometimes traumatic birthing experiences can affect attachment with the mother- and I think that happened to me. All I wanted was to hold my husband's hand and rest.


After 16 minutes, I finally opened my eyes and asked where my baby was, and if I could see him, and they brought him over- he was finally breathing well enough to be held for a few minutes. I looked at him, told him he was beautiful and perfect and shed some tears. It was a miraculous 5 minutes. Then he was whisked back off to the NICU, and I gratefully fell asleep. think it was 7 hours after birth when I went to actually meet him and hold him for more than 5 minutes. I didn't get tons of time with him in the hospital because we had to stay in separate rooms.

He was adorable, and perfect, and cute, but... I was dissapointed that I never had the magic curtain momma bear feeling, and I felt guilty that I wanted a break before I met him. Like- what kind of a selfish uncaring mom even was I? I remember taking him home and gazing at his perfect little body and thinking.... so.... when is that all-consuming feeling supposed to come? I know he's mine, and I should take care of him, and I want to take care of him, but it felt sometimes like I was babysitting someone else's kid because that overwhelming love wasn't consuming me yet.

As he grew, I started to feel it. There was one moment alone in a rocking chair nursing him when I started singing "Baby Mine" and totally burst into tears because I loved him so. When he'd learn something, or smile, or cling to me, I would feel little bursts of what I'd imagined- that consuming, perfect, love. It wasn't until his 1 year old birthday when I looked at that perfect little handsome boy in his high chair that I knew in my heart "it" had come. The all-consuming, momma bear, I-would-die-to-make-your-life-better, heavenly, perfect love flooded my heart, and I started to cry as I felt it. I was so proud of him- of everything he'd learned, of everything he was. He had always been mine, but I knew then that in my heart I would always be his forever.

Realization: I'm not a bad mom for lacking feeling. Failure to care for your child is one thing, but if you're just not feeling it some days, or many days, that's okay. It's not my fault. A feeling of love may come slowly, and it's a process, and that's okay. Just celebrate when the feelings do come, and don't beat yourself up when they don't. Real love is shown through actions, so as long as I am taking care of him constantly, and loving him- the verb kind of love- it's not a big deal if feelings are sometimes fleeting. They do come eventually, and yes, they are as magical as everyone says they are.

Problem #2: Once I started staying home all day, I felt like a prisoner.  This feeling was compounded when I was stuck in a basement with little natural lighting and didn't have lots to do. By the time my husband got home from work and was ready to rest and be home, I was going crazy and needed to get out of the house.

Realization: It is an emotional need for me to get out of the house every day, and I am responsible for making that happen. I try to find an excuse to get dressed and go somewhere. I go for a walk, return something to a friend, go grocery shopping, take Bradley lunch. Run a boring errand. Anything that breaks up the day and gets me dressed and out of the house makes me feel so much better than staying in pajamas all day.

Problem #3: No one validates what I do, which makes me believe I'm not doing anything. Even at the end of the day, no matter how many diapers I changed, how many books I read, how many hours I spent stacking blocks, how many songs we sang, how many healthy foods I fed him, how many walks we went on, how many words we practiced and learned, I felt like I did nothing. The problem? No one is there to see me doing it, and at the end of the day, no one tells me, "Nice job. You did it." When I went to school, every time I finished an assignment, I got 10 points in the gradebook. No one is giving me a grade- I don't even get a pass/fail. At the end of a day full of emotionally exhausting work being stuck with someone who can't talk, all I get is a complaining baby I have to wrestle to get his teeth brushed.

Even when other adults tried to compliment,  I interpreted it wrong. They would say, "He's smart. He's cute." But I thought those were compliments to my son, and I agreed- he was naturally cute and smart without any of my doing. And then they'd say, "What a messy face you have!" "Wow- this garbage needs taken out." And I interpreted those as criticisms to me- insulting my ability to take care of him- because it was the only feedback I got from someone else all day about something I did or didn't do. And suddenly one criticism was the only feedback I got, characterizing my whole day as a failure. Yep, I'm a bad mom. I knew it. I never heard things like, "Wow- your bum is so clean! Your hands are so clean! Your toys are all picked up! You ate three square meals today! You were provided with so many different things to learn today!" When do I get complimented on having a clean, healthy baby?

Realization: 1. I know I am busy doing good things all day, and I am in charge of validating myself. A good friend told me to make myself a grade book- with a checklist. At the end of every day, I try to record how many books we read, how many songs we sang, how long we played outside, how many words we practiced, and how many healthy foods I fed my child. I put it on my fridge and record it every night- just as I would with homework. And wala- I am capable of believing in myself as a productive, capable person, who doesn't need someone else to define when I am and am not successful.

2. Beyond that, I am in charge of when I do and don't choose to take offense at others' comments, and I shouldn't choose to be offended when my friends say things out of kindness. I can choose to let a comment slide and not fester in my brain, because when I take offense, it only hurts me.

Problem #4: My brain feels like it's withering away. I feel like I'm wasting my potential. I'm smart, but I'm forgetting everything I learned in school that made me smart. It's like with every block I stack and dish I do, I can feel my brain shriveling smaller.

Realization: I am responsible for keeping my brain active. Reading books with a big vocabulary makes my brain feel better. Sudoku does as well. When I do dishes or clean I've been listening to free online podcasts about psychology, religion, history, and parenting that are really interesting to me and keep me learning new things. On date nights I try to watch educational things with Bradley like Ted Ed videos or history documentaries rather than trash tv binge watching episodes. I'm learning about the topics I never got to learn about in college through a YouTube Channel called Crash Course. It's a daily ritual for me before bed time.

I've also noticed that if I keep a way to contribute to the larger society outside my home, I feel better about my brain's capacity and I feel like I'm using it for good. Things that have helped me are part time teaching jobs at local elementary schools or dance schools, service to my neighbors like free babysitting, creating my new outofthebestlittlebooks.com website and instagram, organizing neighborhood play dates, and doing things to help out family members that are close.

Problem #5: Life is all about someone else, so you start to forget yourself. When people would ask me what my hobbies were after starting to mother, I would say, "I don't know.... I like playing with Brody." I felt guilty taking time for myself because that's taking time away from the most important thing- loving my baby and my husband, right? I have always been taught that the purpose of life is to love others, so if I spend all day loving my baby and then in between that I use my time to support my husband, I should be perfectly achieving life's purpose and I should be perfectly happy, right? Wrong.

Ballet performance of the Nutcracker!

Realization: Turns out self love is vital for true happiness. I have always been taught to serve others and make time out of my self centered day (school, dance, sports) for others. So now that I'm spending my whole day serving others, I need to make time for me. I can't spend my whole day just loving my baby- because then I start to hate myself, and then my baby gets a grumpy mom.

I have found it useful to schedule intentional time in my day for my baby, rather than intentional time for me. I do it that way because he ends up sneaking into all "my" time anyway. I can't make him be a last priority- like something I just do because he's home and I'm stuck there, but he also can't be a first priority 24/7. I decide which 2-3 hours of the day I will intentionally play with him and which hours I will try to set him up playing by himself while I work on my thing- planning, cleaning, reading, planning dance lessons, or journaling. And then I schedule which few hours of the week we get a babysitter so I can really be free. I've started taking a ballet class and a clogging class. Also- nap time! Nap time is sacred time! Nap time is my time, and I use it to sleep or do whatever I want. When I was insisting that even during nap time I should be cleaning or getting stuff ready for my baby, I wasn't having any time left for myself, and I was crashing.

Problem #6: I expect my husband to appreciate everything he never sees me do, and comfort me for all the problems that he has no idea even exist. 

Church :)

Realization: My husband is so loving and compassionate to me... when he knows what's going on. I am in charge of what my husband knows about what I do when he's not home, and it's my responsibility to inform him if I'm going to expect him to know. :) I try to tell him exactly how I feel all the time- even if that's sad for a small reason, or happy for a small reason. This helps him support me more because he knows where I'm at, rather than being under the illusion "She loves staying home and being a mother" or "She's lazy because she doesn't work all day". I say things like, "Wow. I feel so awesome today. I actually got 3 things on my list done and felt so productive!" "Ballet class was so fun- thanks so much for watching the baby and letting me go." "Wow- Brody was really dramatic and whiney today. I feel exhausted and I need a break." "I feel like I'm going to explode. Can you please watch him while I go into my room by myself for 5 minutes? " "Brody was so cute and helpful today. I love spending time with him- it's like I can't get enough of those chubby cheeks." Being honest has helped him see how I'm doing better, which enables him to be closer to me- to celebrate my successes, and help out when I need it.

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Motherhood is really, really, really, hard. But- it's so beautiful and life changing.

What I think to myself when I need a kick start:

Kids are perfect. especially mine. :) They really can't mess up. They are perfectly loving, non abusive, accepting, forgiving. endearing. I am lucky because sometimes I'm the only one who gets to appreciate that piece of heaven that is Brody. And Brody as a perfectly forgiving and endearing and loving little human loves me in return perfectly. If no one else in this world appreciates or depends on me, Brody always does. And even though he's little- that counts.

Not to mention he's just darn funny and fun to be with. One day I'll miss my little buddy.

My favorite part of being a mom is this:

When he comes crying to me and the only thing in this world that he wants is for me to hold him. I pick him up and it's fixed. When he's sad, he wants to be with me, because he knows that just being with me makes his life all better.

That's a beautiful message- that no matter how smart/dumb I am, how capable/helpless I am, how much I feel like I'm wasting my time or how much I complain- it all melts away and I realize that really, I could do nothing, just exist, and he would love me perfectly. I have internal worth and value as a mother, just as I did before. But now a little person in this world helps to let me know.

To all my struggling mom friends out there- we are lucky, we are loved, and we can do this!

What helps you on your mothering journey? Please share below!