There is one story I always remember when I think about abortion.
This is a true story about a little boy named Frederico, whom I knew and worked with. Frederico lived in the orphanage from the time he was an infant. His mother had wished to abort him, but was unable to do so, so he was delivered to the orphanage as soon as possible. I thought Frederico was very naturally cute, but for some reason none of the other orphanage workers seemed to agree- and I know it’s normal for everyone to have different tastes in “cute babies”.
So, from the time Frederico was very very young, he never got held like the others. Didn’t get smiled and cooed at like the others. By the time he was 1 and 2, he started taking notice, and he was desperate for attention, so he started trying to be more loved by demanding more attention. He would scream at the top of his lungs, but it wouldn’t work because the workers would pick him up and put him in a room all by himself. When he was playing with the other children, the other children would be handed toys and books, but he never was, so he would take them from the other children and bite the other children. This didn’t work either- he was back to a room all by himself, screaming for hours and hours on end. The problem seemed pretty clear to me- just give Frederico some nice attention by himself like the other kids seem to share. But no- by the time he had started acting out, he was labeled as the “naughty child”- a term all the workers shared, confirmed as the “ugly child”, a term they had used before, and sentenced to a life screaming alone in his room. “Don’t go get him”, they’d tell me. “He’ll bite you. He needs to learn his lesson.” He was 2.
Frederico also suffered from physical ailments. One was fetal alcohol syndrome, because his biological mother couldn’t control her impulses while he was in utero. This impairs judgement, reasoning, and overall intelligence. Another was kidney problems and heart defects- problems many orphans for some reason share. The last was failure to thrive- a term used in the medical profession to describe children who lose their interest in staying alive and don’t want to eat, sleep, aren’t interested in exploring normal developmental milestones, etc.
Throughout his time in the orphanage, he, like every other orphan, also developed attachment disorders. This means that because they do not have an adult who consistently loves and cares for them during their formative years (birth to two months is HUGE), they themselves never learn to normally love, trust, or care for others. Even for orphans who are adopted, the time they spent crying without someone to pick them up follows them the rest of their lives. They either do not have a healthy sense of safety and security and will often trust anyone who jumps in their path (often leading to involvement with gangs, early pregnancies, etc) or they find it extremely difficult to deeply connect with anyone. Therapy, good resources, and parental figures help, but don't completely erase this. So, whenever Frederico was to pass away- whether it was in two months or 90 years, he would be going to rest in heaven- the place of perfect love- with a damaged capacity for love. This struck me as devastatingly unfair in the long run.
Two months after I returned to America I heard news that Frederico had passed away. Heart failure, and failure to thrive. I knew I would need some time. In Romania when someone passes the Romanian Orthodox church will light candles for them. So, I grabbed a candle after church and walked up to the Latter Day Saint temple up the road and in a place all by myself under a tree, I put the candle in the ground, and lit it.
This death was very hard for me to process. I wasn’t really sure what to think. I definitely felt sad, of course, but- honestly… his death was some of the best news I had heard in a while. I just didn’t think any two year old should have had to deal with ANY of the cards he was dealt, much less all of them simultaneously. I also felt anger that he had to return to heaven with far more spiritual wounds than he arrived at Earth with (attachment disorders). I think I felt more grief as I looked back on his short two year life than I did thinking of his current state of death. The life was the painful part.
I think every child deserves a life.
But if they are going to be abandoned as soon as they come out of the womb, never held, never cooed at, suffer from physical, emotional, social, and intellectual wounds their ENTIRE LIFE- who am I to make the call that a 3 second abortion in his mother’s womb would have been more painful and more unfair than an almost 3 YEAR life of abandonment, physical pain, shunning, loneliness. I just don’t feel in a position to make that call.
Someone made the call, though. Someone told the mother she couldn’t abort. Were they qualified to make that call? How? Why? What authority did they have? Were they right?
Not every orphan is quite as shunned as Frederico. BUT- many many orphans are never adopted because there are simply too many and not enough willing and able parents. There are just more babies being born than there are parents who want children. A decent chunk live in the orphanage until they are 18.
I used to think this was just an international issue, but after having returned to the states I realized what orphans are called in America- foster kids. And we know how often they are adopted- just about never. For some reason Americans take pity on “orphans” from other countries, and have a bad taste in their mouth for foster kids. (foster kid statistics) There’s just a huge need for willing and able parents, and there are never quite enough. There are currently 118,000 American born children waiting to be adopted. The longer they stay in foster care, the higher their chances go up for substance abuse, convicting crimes, being uneducated, abusing others, homelessness, early pregnancy, incarceration, etc. Two of the demographics that have the hardest times getting adopted are teens and multiple children families. If you are a teen with two or more siblings, your chances are almost gone. Every year 20,000 youth age out of foster care without a forever family.
I believe in the right of innocent children to have the best life possible. From the time they are conceived, they should be able to stay alive. They should be able to be healthy in the utero and not be fed alcohol or other substances. They should be born to open and loving arms that call them cute and hold them close. They should have parents who love them and stick by them, even when they are naughty, even when they struggle. They should have enough food. They should WANT to eat their food. They should WANT to learn to walk, to learn to talk. Whether they die at 3 weeks in utero, at 3 years of life, or at 100 years, it should not be alone, and someone should want them.
This is why I really feel confused about voting on abortion. The only thing I am confident about is my uncertainty. I just really can’t vote either way without feeling guilty- like I have harmed children. So I remain confused.
My official, well thought out stance is that I do not vote on this issue. That is the only decision that does not make me feel like I may have ruined a life.
But I do feel 100% confident in saying this: For an unwanted child, I do not know whether an aborted life, or an entire life lived as an unwanted warrants more pain.
