My Mid-Life Crisis Being a Stay-At-Home Mom: My Biggest Struggles and How I Try to Conquer Them

Mommy friends! Being a mom has been the best, but also unexpectedly super hard for me so I just wanted to share a few of my struggles as well as some things that have helped for any new or struggling mommy friends. :)

Being a mom is really, really, really, really hard.

I had no idea it would be this hard.

If there's anything I have always connected with and thought I was made to do, it was mother. I've always thought I would have been a happy pioneer woman in the 1850s with ten kids milking the cows. I've dreamed about it my whole life. I received a special church blessing once and was told that in motherhood I would use my best talents, and I believe that. I knew I wasn't going to be perfect, but I knew it was within my power to be as close to perfect as possible, and that by hard effort, I could constantly be better. All my life, I have practiced cooking, practiced with kids, and have been counting down the days until all my fairytale motherhood dreams would come true.

And then they did.

Kind of.

Here's a list of all the things that haven't really worked like I thought they would, and what I've discovered that's helped. Being honest about how hard it is and taking responsibility for those problems has been life changing in my life satisfaction.

Problem #1: I had a surprisingly lacking connection to my baby at first.

I was always told that the minute your baby comes out you feel this overwhelming momma bear feeling that consumes you and sweeps over you like a magic curtain or something. Well... labor was way more painful and exhausting than I expected, and by the time my baby was officially out- I was NOT ready to hold him. Unbeknownst to me, he wasn't breathing at the time and was whisked away by the doctors to get him breathing. But I didn't know that- I was just totally exhausted and closed my eyes and wanted to be left alone. A nurse told me that sometimes traumatic birthing experiences can affect attachment with the mother- and I think that happened to me. All I wanted was to hold my husband's hand and rest.


After 16 minutes, I finally opened my eyes and asked where my baby was, and if I could see him, and they brought him over- he was finally breathing well enough to be held for a few minutes. I looked at him, told him he was beautiful and perfect and shed some tears. It was a miraculous 5 minutes. Then he was whisked back off to the NICU, and I gratefully fell asleep. think it was 7 hours after birth when I went to actually meet him and hold him for more than 5 minutes. I didn't get tons of time with him in the hospital because we had to stay in separate rooms.

He was adorable, and perfect, and cute, but... I was dissapointed that I never had the magic curtain momma bear feeling, and I felt guilty that I wanted a break before I met him. Like- what kind of a selfish uncaring mom even was I? I remember taking him home and gazing at his perfect little body and thinking.... so.... when is that all-consuming feeling supposed to come? I know he's mine, and I should take care of him, and I want to take care of him, but it felt sometimes like I was babysitting someone else's kid because that overwhelming love wasn't consuming me yet.

As he grew, I started to feel it. There was one moment alone in a rocking chair nursing him when I started singing "Baby Mine" and totally burst into tears because I loved him so. When he'd learn something, or smile, or cling to me, I would feel little bursts of what I'd imagined- that consuming, perfect, love. It wasn't until his 1 year old birthday when I looked at that perfect little handsome boy in his high chair that I knew in my heart "it" had come. The all-consuming, momma bear, I-would-die-to-make-your-life-better, heavenly, perfect love flooded my heart, and I started to cry as I felt it. I was so proud of him- of everything he'd learned, of everything he was. He had always been mine, but I knew then that in my heart I would always be his forever.

Realization: I'm not a bad mom for lacking feeling. Failure to care for your child is one thing, but if you're just not feeling it some days, or many days, that's okay. It's not my fault. A feeling of love may come slowly, and it's a process, and that's okay. Just celebrate when the feelings do come, and don't beat yourself up when they don't. Real love is shown through actions, so as long as I am taking care of him constantly, and loving him- the verb kind of love- it's not a big deal if feelings are sometimes fleeting. They do come eventually, and yes, they are as magical as everyone says they are.

Problem #2: Once I started staying home all day, I felt like a prisoner.  This feeling was compounded when I was stuck in a basement with little natural lighting and didn't have lots to do. By the time my husband got home from work and was ready to rest and be home, I was going crazy and needed to get out of the house.

Realization: It is an emotional need for me to get out of the house every day, and I am responsible for making that happen. I try to find an excuse to get dressed and go somewhere. I go for a walk, return something to a friend, go grocery shopping, take Bradley lunch. Run a boring errand. Anything that breaks up the day and gets me dressed and out of the house makes me feel so much better than staying in pajamas all day.

Problem #3: No one validates what I do, which makes me believe I'm not doing anything. Even at the end of the day, no matter how many diapers I changed, how many books I read, how many hours I spent stacking blocks, how many songs we sang, how many healthy foods I fed him, how many walks we went on, how many words we practiced and learned, I felt like I did nothing. The problem? No one is there to see me doing it, and at the end of the day, no one tells me, "Nice job. You did it." When I went to school, every time I finished an assignment, I got 10 points in the gradebook. No one is giving me a grade- I don't even get a pass/fail. At the end of a day full of emotionally exhausting work being stuck with someone who can't talk, all I get is a complaining baby I have to wrestle to get his teeth brushed.

Even when other adults tried to compliment,  I interpreted it wrong. They would say, "He's smart. He's cute." But I thought those were compliments to my son, and I agreed- he was naturally cute and smart without any of my doing. And then they'd say, "What a messy face you have!" "Wow- this garbage needs taken out." And I interpreted those as criticisms to me- insulting my ability to take care of him- because it was the only feedback I got from someone else all day about something I did or didn't do. And suddenly one criticism was the only feedback I got, characterizing my whole day as a failure. Yep, I'm a bad mom. I knew it. I never heard things like, "Wow- your bum is so clean! Your hands are so clean! Your toys are all picked up! You ate three square meals today! You were provided with so many different things to learn today!" When do I get complimented on having a clean, healthy baby?

Realization: 1. I know I am busy doing good things all day, and I am in charge of validating myself. A good friend told me to make myself a grade book- with a checklist. At the end of every day, I try to record how many books we read, how many songs we sang, how long we played outside, how many words we practiced, and how many healthy foods I fed my child. I put it on my fridge and record it every night- just as I would with homework. And wala- I am capable of believing in myself as a productive, capable person, who doesn't need someone else to define when I am and am not successful.

2. Beyond that, I am in charge of when I do and don't choose to take offense at others' comments, and I shouldn't choose to be offended when my friends say things out of kindness. I can choose to let a comment slide and not fester in my brain, because when I take offense, it only hurts me.

Problem #4: My brain feels like it's withering away. I feel like I'm wasting my potential. I'm smart, but I'm forgetting everything I learned in school that made me smart. It's like with every block I stack and dish I do, I can feel my brain shriveling smaller.

Realization: I am responsible for keeping my brain active. Reading books with a big vocabulary makes my brain feel better. Sudoku does as well. When I do dishes or clean I've been listening to free online podcasts about psychology, religion, history, and parenting that are really interesting to me and keep me learning new things. On date nights I try to watch educational things with Bradley like Ted Ed videos or history documentaries rather than trash tv binge watching episodes. I'm learning about the topics I never got to learn about in college through a YouTube Channel called Crash Course. It's a daily ritual for me before bed time.

I've also noticed that if I keep a way to contribute to the larger society outside my home, I feel better about my brain's capacity and I feel like I'm using it for good. Things that have helped me are part time teaching jobs at local elementary schools or dance schools, service to my neighbors like free babysitting, creating my new outofthebestlittlebooks.com website and instagram, organizing neighborhood play dates, and doing things to help out family members that are close.

Problem #5: Life is all about someone else, so you start to forget yourself. When people would ask me what my hobbies were after starting to mother, I would say, "I don't know.... I like playing with Brody." I felt guilty taking time for myself because that's taking time away from the most important thing- loving my baby and my husband, right? I have always been taught that the purpose of life is to love others, so if I spend all day loving my baby and then in between that I use my time to support my husband, I should be perfectly achieving life's purpose and I should be perfectly happy, right? Wrong.

Ballet performance of the Nutcracker!

Realization: Turns out self love is vital for true happiness. I have always been taught to serve others and make time out of my self centered day (school, dance, sports) for others. So now that I'm spending my whole day serving others, I need to make time for me. I can't spend my whole day just loving my baby- because then I start to hate myself, and then my baby gets a grumpy mom.

I have found it useful to schedule intentional time in my day for my baby, rather than intentional time for me. I do it that way because he ends up sneaking into all "my" time anyway. I can't make him be a last priority- like something I just do because he's home and I'm stuck there, but he also can't be a first priority 24/7. I decide which 2-3 hours of the day I will intentionally play with him and which hours I will try to set him up playing by himself while I work on my thing- planning, cleaning, reading, planning dance lessons, or journaling. And then I schedule which few hours of the week we get a babysitter so I can really be free. I've started taking a ballet class and a clogging class. Also- nap time! Nap time is sacred time! Nap time is my time, and I use it to sleep or do whatever I want. When I was insisting that even during nap time I should be cleaning or getting stuff ready for my baby, I wasn't having any time left for myself, and I was crashing.

Problem #6: I expect my husband to appreciate everything he never sees me do, and comfort me for all the problems that he has no idea even exist. 

Church :)

Realization: My husband is so loving and compassionate to me... when he knows what's going on. I am in charge of what my husband knows about what I do when he's not home, and it's my responsibility to inform him if I'm going to expect him to know. :) I try to tell him exactly how I feel all the time- even if that's sad for a small reason, or happy for a small reason. This helps him support me more because he knows where I'm at, rather than being under the illusion "She loves staying home and being a mother" or "She's lazy because she doesn't work all day". I say things like, "Wow. I feel so awesome today. I actually got 3 things on my list done and felt so productive!" "Ballet class was so fun- thanks so much for watching the baby and letting me go." "Wow- Brody was really dramatic and whiney today. I feel exhausted and I need a break." "I feel like I'm going to explode. Can you please watch him while I go into my room by myself for 5 minutes? " "Brody was so cute and helpful today. I love spending time with him- it's like I can't get enough of those chubby cheeks." Being honest has helped him see how I'm doing better, which enables him to be closer to me- to celebrate my successes, and help out when I need it.

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Motherhood is really, really, really, hard. But- it's so beautiful and life changing.

What I think to myself when I need a kick start:

Kids are perfect. especially mine. :) They really can't mess up. They are perfectly loving, non abusive, accepting, forgiving. endearing. I am lucky because sometimes I'm the only one who gets to appreciate that piece of heaven that is Brody. And Brody as a perfectly forgiving and endearing and loving little human loves me in return perfectly. If no one else in this world appreciates or depends on me, Brody always does. And even though he's little- that counts.

Not to mention he's just darn funny and fun to be with. One day I'll miss my little buddy.

My favorite part of being a mom is this:

When he comes crying to me and the only thing in this world that he wants is for me to hold him. I pick him up and it's fixed. When he's sad, he wants to be with me, because he knows that just being with me makes his life all better.

That's a beautiful message- that no matter how smart/dumb I am, how capable/helpless I am, how much I feel like I'm wasting my time or how much I complain- it all melts away and I realize that really, I could do nothing, just exist, and he would love me perfectly. I have internal worth and value as a mother, just as I did before. But now a little person in this world helps to let me know.

To all my struggling mom friends out there- we are lucky, we are loved, and we can do this!

What helps you on your mothering journey? Please share below!