Why we chose to have a baby as college students

5/10/17

Only 2 more weeks until this baby comes out!

What a ride pregnancy has been! We've been so blessed with so much support from family and friends. This baby is already so loved.

But, surprisingly, we seem to have gotten more surprised reactions than we expected when we announced our baby. It's as if quite a few people assume the baby came earlier than we were expecting, as if they expect that we were trying to wait until we graduated, and now we are trying to figure out a plan B for our lives.

Um, no. We wanted this baby now. They make a lot of different comments, and there is never time in passing talk to say anything except, "Yep, we're really excited." But sometimes I wish I had time to actually tell them what I really think about their comments. I wish they could know what I think about having a baby in college. I wish that everyone that didn't understand could at least hear and know how I see it, rather than assuming the baby came too early.

So- this post is for everyone who is curious why we chose to have a baby as college students. Having a baby so soon is definitely not right for everyone.  Not right for all college students. Not right for all young couples. I totally understand and respect that. But for us- it is right, and this post is for everyone who is curious why.

Before I go through everything I wish I could I could tell them, I have to make ONE LAST DISCLAIMER: I would not have ever chosen this without having been married to Bradley. I need Bradley, and the baby needs Bradley.

• I have needed and continue to need Bradley through this experience for all the reasons I married him. I wouldn't want to do something this hard without someone that loved me as much as he does. He has been so nice to me and taken care of me when my pregnant lady hormones make me a crazy mess. 

• I strongly believe that every child on earth deserves to be  to be born into a family with a father and a mother who both love them and have committed to love and take care of them their whole life long, just as every person is entitled to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. 

So now, first off, let's go through the concerns many people have on our behalf, and why they don't concern us.

You don't have very much money right now. 

Nope, we don't. We're college students, working minimum wage jobs part time.

But first off- we have never ever ever known hunger. We live in America, the nation that wastes the most food in the world, and we have been blessed. I don't think I'll ever have to really truly worry about my next meal. And as long as we can eat chili and rice, living in poverty isn't really a concern for me. We may not be able to afford a Netflix subscription or ice cream at the grocery store or McDonalds trips whenever we feel like it, but those are things you don't really need. Our baby won't go hungry. We may eat even more chili and rice than we do now, but that's okay. We could survive off those for about $20/month. Survival has never really been a legitimate concern for us. My heart goes out to those who truly do have to worry about basic concerns like that.

Secondly, for Bradley and I in our childhoods, growing up in poverty while our parents were still in school taught us so much about the value of hard work and money. And I don't remember growing up deprived. I had the playground across the street and a Barbie. That's all a little girl needs. Have you ever noticed children who receive expensive toys from the store for Christmas, and then they spend all day just playing outside in the dirt anyway? Or they spend all day with a ball? Kids require very little entertainment. And I remember the little things that cost money being so special- like 1/4 a stick of gum that was split between my siblings and I, or sugar cereal, because it was so rare. Those things made me really happy because they were special. My younger siblings don't remember those days, and sometimes they pass up the opportunity for an extra candy stick because they've had enough already. I can't imagine being like that as a child! :) In the meantime, I learned that we can't buy things at the grocery store just because I feel like it. Sacrifice now pays off later. Kids are just as happy being poor as they are with more resources. And the values they learn are values we want to instill in them anyway. Not having money to spare is a win-win situation!

You don't have space for a baby.

That's cause we like snuggling. :) Honestly- a baby grows up the first 9 months of life in a crowded amniotic sack. Do you think they really care if they get their own empty nursery room, painted with a cute theme and a wall full of cute wall hangings? As long as we can find room for a crib, we don't want to be too far away away from the baby either. We will have to find a larger space when the toddler needs to take naps behind a closed door, but for now- we can share. And finding a place with one more room in a few years won't be too hard. The baby doesn't want a dining room AND a living room AND a tv room AND a playroom. Those are things grownups imagine children want. Children want toys, and love, and a place to sleep their little head. One room will be plenty. I remember when our family lived in Texas- my sister and I shared a bunk bed and the baby's crib was right up against the bunk bed, separated only by our family's storage. My personal space in our house was limited to the surface of my bed, so I stacked my stuffed animals and books along the side of the mattress, and slept curled up in a corner of my bed. And I have fond memories of it- of going to sleep in the same room as the baby's lullaby music and telling them stories when they couldn't fall asleep. For children, more space is not necessarily the definition of happiness. Have you ever noticed how when you leave kids alone in a large empty house, they tend to follow you around wherever you are anyway? Kids like being together and playing- not being in big empty rooms.

You're skipping out on the time of your life to make new life experiences.

1. To one degree, we've already had that time. Bradley went and lived for 2 years in Spain serving a mission for the LDS church. I went to college, and volunteered with kids in Romania and Peru. We're at college living a college life. We've had some good times. 2. Isn't having a child, like- the best life experience you could have?

You're not done with school yet. That will be stressful. 

Yes, it will be harder. But we can manage our time. Won't a cute baby be the best motivation to manage our time, get stuff done efficiently, and do well in school so you can have time to snuggle their cute face and have the ability to provide for their needs? We can study while the baby sleeps. Right now in our free time we watch Downton Abbey, go on walks, and make meals together. Now we'll just snuggle a cute baby instead of binge-watching movies, and go on a walk and make meals with a cute baby. School will still be much harder, especially as I try to finish my student teaching while Bradley's in classes. But we'll survive. It's okay to do hard things.

So how come you haven't considered dropping out of college to take care of the baby?

Because I can do it. Education is very important. Women deserve education. I am only a semester away from graduation. Giving up now won't be worth it in the long run. I have known far too many women whose lives were turned upside down due to unexpected marital, medical, or financial catastrophes. When they don't have a good certification to fall back on, it's much harder for them and their families down the road. I want to be prepared with a degree and finish school. I also want to finish what I started and complete my dream of being a teacher. I am hoping to work very part time as some sort of teacher. I love teaching, and I'm an important person, so I deserve to finish.

You don't really have the time for a baby.

"Children aren't something you collect because they are cuter than stamps. Children aren't what you do when you've finished everything else exciting in life and have the time to settle down. Children are what God gave you time for." -Jeffrey R. Holland.

But you're only 21 years old. You don't know what you're doing. You have no idea how to raise a baby.

So true! If there's anything I've thought a lot lately, it's: "I have no idea what I'm doing." I had the same feelings when I packed my stuff into a car to move away from home, attended my first college class, and rode through the mountains of Romania at night in a taxi going to an orphanage in a country where I didn't speak the language with a taxi driver that was smoking, texting, cutting corners, and eating sunflower seeds simultaneously. :) Most of my best choices in life have required at least some level of bravery to try something I had no idea how to do.

And really- who DOES know what they're doing? Does anyone know how to raise a baby before they have one? Do 35-year-olds who've never had a child know more? Does waiting until you are older and doing other adult lifestyle things prepare you for a baby? It seems like no matter how old you are- you have no idea what you're doing until you take that baby home and realize their life depends on you, and you have to figure it out!

A baby will tie your life down.

Well, if you're talking about needing to "settle down" and quit smoking, drugs, alcohol, and partying- we never did that sort of stuff in the first place, so there's not much to stop.

If you're talking about stopping having fun- that's just not true! My favorite times with Bradley are when we are playing together- sledding, baking cookies, launching rockets, jumping on trampolines, or hiking in the mountains. All those things we can still go, but we can do it all with a cute little squirt. Plus- Bradley is so much more attractive to me when he's playing with kids. Maybe that's just me. :)

If you're talking about traveling, and staying out late, and buying cheap airplane tickets to cool places to take spur of the moment weekend trips, then- yes. Adjustments will have to be made. But it comes down to the kind of life you want to have. Consider the idea of a "free" life- does it bring happiness and fulfillment? Yes, it can. But for me, one of the most fulfilling times in my life was when I was in Romania volunteering at an orphanage. I couldn't be outside after 8pm for safety reasons. I was never allowed to be by myself outside. I had to be to work on time. I was preparing lessons every day, and walking an hour a day through knee-deep snow to get to where I needed to be. I was always exhausted. I had to room with, share money with, and spend 24 hours a day with girls I did not choose to be with. I was even paying an unreasonable amount of college tuition to pay a professor who we had absolutely zero contact with or help from. I definitely lost money on the deal. The experience wasn't about me. But I was contributing something meaningful to the world, and that brought me inner joy and peace that was deep and lasting, unlike the thrill of being "free" gives me. I would rather live an entire life with "less freedom", if it means I am doing something meaningful. This theory was actually developed by Victor Frankl, a psychologist who survived the Holocaust found that Holocaust victims could will themselves to survive if they thought the world was depending on them in some way. (Read Man's Search for Meaning- great book!) Motherhood will also bring me that- a reason for the world to depend on me, and something meaningful to give. Perhaps a baby will tie me down from being able to go to the movies late at night. But perhaps having the freedom to go to the movies late at night by myself is actually tying me away from the type of life that really brings me true joy.

Children steal youth from you.

Perhaps. But I want to give my youth to my children.

I want to be a young parent. I know it's not an option for everyone, but because it is for me, I want to be a young kid raising another young kid. :) Young parents have more energy to go down the slide with their kids and play soccer in the backyard with them. Kids keep the youth in you! And while I still have energy to go hiking and rock climbing, I can take my kids and we can have fun together! I loved having parents that were young enough to tackle me in the fall leaves. Plus- think of all the more grandkids I'll get to know because I won't be as old when they show up either.

SOOOO...... that's what I think in my mind when people start getting worried on my behalf. Thanks for the concerns. I know it will be hard. They are real concerns, and there is truth to many if not all of them. There is sacrifice involved. A LOT of sacrifice involved with bearing and raising a child. But, we've considered the sacrifices, and we consider them worth it. We are choosing this hard route. So- you don't have to feel bad or worry for us.

And...... when it really comes down to the nitty gritty, as Nacho Libre would say, none of the above reasons are really why we decided to have children so soon. We didn't make this decision just because we didn't have any concerns. If you wash any all these concerns and justifications for why the concerns will be okay, there are TWO MAIN REASONS why we really felt strongly about having a child now and taking this decision quickly:

1. I feel very strongly, and have for many years, that my greatest strengths and services to the world will be rendered as I give them as a mother. That is where I will be at my very best and truly making the world a better place. My LDS religion's culture influences this belief, as does my family upbringing, but this conviction is even more personal than that for me. When the world is quiet, and I'm outside, and alone, humming quietly and I look at the beauty of God's creations around me, and I can hear the spirit of God whisper eternal truths to my soul, I just know deep down that a mother is who I was supposed to be. It's something between me and God. He knows I can do it. Children aren't something I want to collect because they are cuter than stamps. They aren't what you do when you have the time. Children are what God gave me time on this earth for.

2. Bradley and I love each other very much, but as much as we do... we just felt like someone was missing from that love this past summer. We were planning on waiting a little longer before having children, but.... I already felt an emptiness. It was as if someone from heaven was calling down, excited to come and join the family. All the anxiety that used to flood my mind and heart whenever I would contemplate having a child in college (and yes- it used to fill me with anxiety. Before we were pregnant, I once left a class crying and prayed and prayed that a baby would NOT come before I was ready, because I was so nervous about having a child so soon)- all that anxiety that used to overwhelm me when I contemplated having a child in college suddenly melted away when I seemed to hear a little spirit calling that he wanted to come down and be with us. I have never legitimately worried since.

Again- this post is not meant to say that there is one right time or right way to have children. This post is certainly not meant to condemn anyone whose path is different than ours, or who for any reason cannot have children and desire to. I cannot think of anything more heartbreaking, and my heart goes out to you! BUT- if you always wondered what was going on in those crazy heads that wanted to have a child early while we were poor, and still in school, and so young- now you know. :)